The Adventures of Beerus and Whis...IN SPACE!
Author Notes And now, a word from the authors about this piece of literature: A random collabaration with Kid Vegeta made in a couple of days. Its weird...but hilarious. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy! -Creeperman129 man shit yo, i like it when im nuttin' and she still suckin' and the teevee be blinkin', yo like when DeGrasse comin' on, and I tell her, "hush now hushpuppy, we gonna watch some DeGrasse, yo." And she be all, "Uh Jawanda, who is Degrasse?" "Yo, shit girl," i murmur into the pillow just like that see, "Neil deGrasse Tyson. A doctor from another Mabacawa. "Shit yo, he's a doc? A straight up D?" "yeah girl, now what're ya doin, get back to work," and i push her head back down haha feminism -KidVegeta (talk) 00:42, July 28, 2016 (UTC) The Adventures Begin...and End It was a dark and stormy night, and Beerus was hungry as a junebug in July. He was watching the Space Food Network perched atop his cat tower, licking one of his paws and purring a little bit. He thought of that scrumptious-lookin Oracle Fish and screamed, “WHISU!” Whis started walking up to Beerus and asked, “What is it, my Lord?” “Can I eat our fish?” Beerus asked bluntly. “Buh...WHAT? He can see the future and you want to eat him?!” “I’m hungry for fish though...and besides, he saw that I destroyed his fishy planet. I’m just putting him out of his misery!” “...We can’t get another one though! It’s not like there’s a shop that sells these these.” “Maybe not...in this universe.” “Are you kidding me right now? Are we going on a quest to find another fish so you can eat ours.” “...Yyyyes?” They left Beerus’ cat cave and walked down the hall towards the Oracle Fish’s room. Beerus licked his lips and thought of how good that annoying little slime in a bowl would taste. When they arrived, the Oracle Fish’s scepter was leaning up against a wall with some brooms and trash, just where it belonged. “Here fishy fishy!” the God of Destruction cried when the door swung open. “Come to daddy!” The Oracle Fish’s eyes got real wide and it began to shake. “P-p-please… Lord Beerus, no! I didn’t do anything wrong!” “Lord Beerus, this is most inappropriate!” Whis fluttered. “The Oracle Fish is a respected member of-” “Yeah, yeah, Whiz boy,” Beerus growled, waving his attendant away. His stomach rumbled, and the poor purple kitty bared his teeth. “A god’s gotta eat, right?” “Wait, I’ll tell you a prophecy if you don’t eat me!” the Oracle Fish pleaded. “It’s a real good one, I promise.” Beerus scratched his chin and yawned. “Hmmm… alright. But make it quick, fishy. I’m starving!” “O-ok..um...if you drink a lot of beer...um… and not eat me then you can face a Super Saiyan.” Beerus twitched his eye. “Is that it?” “Uh...Super Saiyan God Five Hundred..who can transform to...um...a guy from Frieza’s race...?” Beerus stared at the fish. “Are you kidding m-”, Whis tried to say, but was interrupted by Beerus who said: “WOW! That would be the greatest battle evar! Everyone would love that! It’s not like it’s completely illogical in every single way, but I believe you fish.” Beerus grabbed him out of his bowl. “Because you always tell the truth, right?” “Um...yes!” “Well, I already fought a Super Saiyan God,” Beerus muttered. “I want a new prophecy!” “What about fighting a Super Saiyan God Super Saiyan God?” “What the heck is that supposed to be?” “Nobody knows except for Mr. Toriyama!” the Oracle Fish bellowed. “What about fighting your Universe 12 counterpart, Beerus Black?” “That sounds rather stupid,” Lord Beerus complained. “Why would his name be Beerus Black?” “Because he’s evil ahhh,” the Oracle fish shrieked as the God of Destruction waved the scepter around like it was a wand. “Lord Beerus please!” Whis was nearly crying now. “That Oracle Fish is extremely fragile!” “Oh yeah, Whis? I wonder if it can fly!” The kitty snapped his wrist, upending the fishbowl and sending the little blue mess of slime flying like a proper midget clown thing that’s in love with Tien. The Oracle fish slid across the floor before ramming into a Whis plushie up against the far wall. Beerus stepped forward, licking his lips again. “Any last words, fishy?” “Allahu akbar!” the Oracle Fish wheezed before disappearing in a haze of bluish smoke. When the smoke cleared, in the fish’s place was a fat little alien with a single horn on its head. Its skin was slimy and wet and a light green color. The ugly little beast was hairless, covered in warts, and had a mouthful of broken teeth. It seemed to wear a dirty outfit of a wifebeater and busted jeans that would have been better suited for a plumber than an Oracle Fish. “You don’t look tasty!” Beerus cried in dismay. “That’s right,” grunted the alien. “That’s because I’m Kukajabara, ya dingus!” he shrieked, roaring like a Kookaburra. Then he threw some confetti on the ground, vomited and triumph, and poofed away again, back to oblivion. “What’s going on, WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS?!” Beerus asked quietly and politely with a hint of grace. “It appears that goblin-looking beast stole the Oracle Fish, Lord Beerus. Most unfortunate, yes?” Beerus raised his fist to the sky and shook it like Old Man Jenkins. “Curse him and curse you, and I’m going to blow stuff up now.” That was when Jabroni Jim appeared. “Oh me oh my, your cat friend came!” Whis said with surprise. Beerus shook Whis back and forth and screamed, “He’s not just my cat friend, he’s the God of Destruction from Universe 16 who escaped Zeno’s destruction...somehow.” Suddenly, Jabroni said, “Silewence foows, meow. I’ve been soyching for Kukajabara for thosunds of years, meow. He ate all my gumdwops on my old gum tree aftower stewing it! AND KIWLLED MY MONKEYS!” “HAH! SEE FRIEZA, I DID IT FIRST!”, Kukajabara shouted from across the universe, while Frieza and his angels cried. Who's Kukajabara? That’s the question plaguing everyone. It’s a very perplexing question one you should not take for granted. You see, Kukajabara is no jabroni. He’s a player, a gangster of the highest order jafeel me. He blew his mind out in a car. He hadn’t noticed that the lights had changed. That was Kukajabara’s story, anyways, when the space police interrogated him about the illegal fish he was transporting. The fat little goblin monster thing was being interrogated by Jaco’s best friend, aka Polythene Pam. She’s so good looking, but she looks like a man. Look at her go. She caught Kukajabara but when he said “he dindu nuffin”, she believed him and he got away again. Meanwhile, Beerus was flying with Whis and Jabroni Jim, who heard of Kukajabara’s short arrest. “May I ask, WHAT’S GOING ON RIGHT NOW?” Whis screamed “Shud up soyvent,” Jabroni replied. “I’m twaking Kukajabara to his hideoway” “Wait, how can you not pronounce servant or tracking right, but be able to say Kukajabara just fine?”, Whis asked “Deaw wif it. We’re here!” In front of them was a giant gum tree, with gum covering it like a spider web. On the web was Polythene Pam, Jaco, Beerus Black, and Toriyama, writing on a piece of paper. But the finest specimen among them was Dabura Zero, aka The King of Skim Milk. He was forty feet tall if he was a foot, as rotund as a blimp in winter. He had about fifty arms and twenty-seven legs, and in each of them he held a variety of objects, ranging from tacos to mustard bottles to dying jackfruit trees. Ketchup and relish poured down his pasty, slimy, pale, pink skin as twelve of King Dabura’s arms held tiny plastic pinwheels, and he cooed like a hungry felid. “Where’s my Oracle Fish?” Lord Beerus demanded, banging on the gum tree’s door. He reached for a piece of spearmint that had already been chewed to hell and plopped it in his mouth. A moment later, Beerus began to vomit as the foul, bleach-like taste of that gum spread through his mouth like wildfire. “This is a foul-tasting medicine,” the God of Destruction complained. “That’s it! I’m tired of this crap. You know what I always say, before creation comes destruction!” Beerus growled before producing a giant red energy ball on the tip of his finger. He angled it at the giant gum tree, preparing to destroy all those people caught in the web, as well as poor Kukajabara and the Oracle Fish. “Lord Beerus, please… be reasonable! This tree didn’t do anything to you!” Whis cried. Just before Beerus threw his energy, though, the door to the gum tree opened (why it had a door to begin with is a great mystery), and out came little ol’ slop mouth, aka Mashed Potatoes Face. He looked as angry as a space duck in heat, and in his hand was the scepter with the frightened Oracle Fish. Bet that slimy ********************** didn’t predict that happening to him. “POTATOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” screamed Mashed Potatoes Face as he ate Toriyama’s piece of paper. Suddenly, Mashed Potatoes Face exploded into potatoes because potatoes, flinging the Oracle Fish right into Whis’ mouth. “AHWA!” screamed Whis, who chewed the fish into dozens of pieces. Meanwhile, Beerus picked up the piece of paper Toriyama wrote and read it out loud: “I iz besttest riter, like + surbscrib plz. It help chamnel!” Beerus started at Toriyama who shrugged and said, “The kool kidz love de youtubez!” “HOW CAN YOU EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH?!” Beerus screamed. Finally, it came to his realization that Whis ate his delicious dinner, his precious petunia, his righteous raspberry! Beerus jumped up like a kangaroo and landed right on top of Whis. “Mhm...thish actually tashes...delicous!”, Whis said while chewing up the rest of the fish. It was horrible. The Oracle Fish was dead. Rip in pieces mate. From Milan to Minsk, the cry could be heard: “A canon character is dead!” This would have been a lot worse if Toriyama still had his paper. Kukajabara, the Potato-faced extraordinaire, the fetid feline, reappeared in a river of butter. He looked rather angry that the Oracle Fish was dead. “I wanted to eat him first!” the other kitty kitty explained. “Now I’m going to make you pay!” Suddenly the lights went dark and a strobe light descended from the gum tree. In the distance, music started to blast like in the club. “This is the rhythm of the night, Lord Beerus,” Whis burped, wiping some scales from his lips. “I’m the son of Isyen, for Frieza’s sake!” Whis’ face flushed a deep shade of maroon and he began to swoon. “My papa ain’t the God of Regret for nothing!” Beerus, as he was wont to do, grew rather angry. “Shut up, Whis. This is the rhythm of my life!” He began to swing his hips wildly, dancing like every breath was a full-body convulsion. “Kukajabara’s a mean old man, and Polythene Pam looks like a man!” That was when Beerus made all his god ki come out like meerkats on the prairie. In the God of Destruction’s other hand was a smoothie, probably made of vanilla yogurt and Dr. Brule’s curly locks. It sure looked tasty, so Beerus decided to chug the entire smoothie, getting it all over his face and neck and chest and he even threw up some on Toriyama for good measure (senpai deserved it tho). Meanwhile, Jaco got out of the gum and slapped Beerus. “You insulted my best friend! You’ll pay for that!” With that, Jaco used his ray gun to blast Whis in the stomach. “Argh! I was off guard! There was no way I could’ve survived that! Or dodged that! Or stopped that in any way!” Whis shouted while falling to the ground and coughed up little bits of the Oracle Fish, which Kukajabara grabbed for. Beerus slapped Jaco back into Toriyama, who was crying because he tried to make the most overpowered character to beat Superman, but had him fall to a ray gun. “Why you! THAT’S MY JACO!!!!!!!!!!” Polythene Pam exclaimed, turning her into a Super Galactic Patrol Man (because regulations say that there are no Galactic Patrol Women). Polythene grabbed Kukajabara’s potato face, who finished eating the rest of the Oracle Fish, at Beerus who opened his mouth like Mr. Popo and ate the thirty foot tall face. Realizing that he couldn’t eat that much even if he tried, he grew to Fat Semi-Perfect Cell size. “HAHA! Now I’ll blow up the entire universe but still come back somehow do to an insane retcon! AHAHAHA!” “Wait, no, no, no!” cried Jaco, who always reminds me of tacos. “Please Lord Beerus, don’t do it! I’ll give you some space catnip if you don’t!” “Give me your blood!” Kukujabara screeched. “I want to freeze it and inject it into my veins.” “That’s a sweet dream,” Beerus sneered, “but you were never the God of Destruction I am!” With that, Beerus shot forward and punched Kukujabara through the skull, finishing off the other kitty with a nice red energy beam. That bad boy was incinerated like straight hunneds on da grill. “I put some joy on that stupid pussy’s face!” Beerus’ voice was thick with the taste of mahogany. “That’s not what I want you to put on my face!” Polythene Pam piped up. But just at that moment, an errant space taxi came screaming by and ran her over, and now she’s dead. Her brother, the ever Mean Mr. Mustard, would certainly be at least slightly peeved about that. “Man, these homies droppin’ like flies, smh,” said Whis’ little brother, known as Queen Brandy. “Hello, and succboi here!” he declared passionately before blowing up the little world with the gum tree, sending everyone tumbling on the rocks into space. “I’m a clockmaker, and you’re the cabbage!” With that, Queen Brandy started firing ki blasts everywhere like he was tryna make it rain (broken hearts for Thom Yorke, rip). Then, as the group tumbled through the void, they came to a little asteroid where fat little grub people with blue skin and green antennae sucked on their thumbs while dueling one another with silver spoons. Beerus, who had grown quite hungry again, was wondering where the big enchilada was, so he went into the bathroom. And that was when she came in through the bathroom window! From the distance, John Lennon screamed “Oh, look out!” as he smoked an acre of Mary Jane. Beerus’ belly rumbled; he was so unprepared! Realizing he was still humongous, Beerus threw up Kukujabara’s face which he didn’t need to talk for some reason on the little aliens. However, there was no fear for them as they used their silver spoons to blast it away into John Lennon, killing him instantly. With that the grubby men were angry as John Lennon was actually their god who made their spoons out of his glasses. An all out war began between the aliens with Queen Brandy as their commander against Beerus, Jaco, Kukujabara, Beerus Black and Dabura Zero. Dabura Zero started out by sending mustard and ketchup all over the aliens, but they merely ate it with their spoons. “We have to get rid of those spoons!” Beerus Black yelled “OVER POWERED LAZER GOOOOOOOOOO!” Jaco fired the over powered laser, which the aliens tried to block with their spoons, but it was too strong for them, so most of them died, except for their luscious leader, Mr. Oompa Loompa and Queen Brandy. Suddenly, Beerus saw that in Mr. Oompa Loompa’s hand was the giant enchilada. “Give me that enchilada!” “No. I’m giving it to Mister Mrs. Queen Brandy, the Kiueen of the multiverse because it gave us our beautiful John Lennon which you made us kill!” screamed Mr. Oompa Loompa. “I-I’m sorry… Tien… please forgive me…” Beerus Black’s eyes started to glow light blue, and then his entire body began to radiate with energy. He shot forward onto ol’ Loompa and grabbed the scrub-grub around the back. Oompa Loompa tried to shake him off, but like a foxtail in Balerion’s tail, it just wouldn’t come out. A second later, the two went up in smoke, dark and billowing, and Oompa Loompa could be heard screaming in pain. When the dust cleared, the Mr. Oompa Loompa (Oompi-loomp,to his friends) looked rather angry. “That black cat burnt my clothes slightly!” All that remained of Beerus Black was a burn mark on Oompa’s back, lookin like some burnt toast, holla at yer bois. Dabura Zero floated through the air, as fat as a hippo on parade. He just sort of drifted by, grabbing at things with his dozens of arms. One time he grabbed a grub man and bit off his head as he grunted in ecstasy and waved his cheap plastic pinwheels around. It was extraordinary. One time, Queen Brandy lifted up his skirt and showed everyone his black hole. Dabura Zero got sucked in and never seen again was he. This is exactly what happened to my pep pep one time, it was awesome, it’s an unsolved mystery too. “Everyone’s dying, we next homie!” Whis bellowed in terror. “My brother the Queen is a fierce jabberwocky when he’s angry, Lord Beerus!” “Leave him to me!” the God of Destruction declared. “I’ll smoke him like fresh-caught salmon.” That made Beerus purr. Lord Beerus took out his handy dipstick, which he used to check for pools of blood in his stomach. When he was sure he had three, Dr. Wareheim appeared and slapped him on the back and said: “Congratulations, you have pools of blood in your stomach, beer-boy!” Beerus blew that weeb all the way back to where he came from with a huge ki ball. With that, Beerus put the pools of blood in the hole where Jaco shot Whis, making him turn into Redbreast Whis, who surpassed even his brother. “Sorry Kiueen, but I just realized I can’t exist in this universe because I work for Willy Wonka.” Mr. Oompa Loompa disappeared from continuity in a blink of a mocking jay’s sound, leaving the enchilada behind. “Hah! You’ve lost brother. The power of the enchilada compels you!” Whis said while grabbing the enchilada and sticking it in the Queen’s mouth, making him explode into magic Adam Sandlers. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WHIS? ADAM SANDLERS COMEDY WILL MAKE US INTO CLICHE CHARACTERS!” Beerus screamed. “I’m the typical quirky guy no one understands,” Adams Sandler said, turning Jaco into one of his own. “The only way we can combat clicheness is with laziness!” Whis held up his staff and summoned Chiaotzu. “Help us Chiaotzu!” Beerus begged while eating the rest of the enchilada. “You stole the only thing I had going for me in Dragon Ball Z! Now I’m even less memorable! For that, I’ll instantly reset this entire story!” “NO! He’s joined the cliche way of ending stories! By having none of it happen at all!” This instantly killed Whis out of sheer stupidity. “My third favorite brother!!” the Adam Sandlers cried. He had once been a clockmaker, but he barely remembered those times anymore. “Lil baby Whis, I like it when he used to rub ice cream on my shoulders.” It was really sad. The grubs were crying for John Lennon (or as I like to call him, D.D. Lenin). Beerus’ wrath was terrible, his retribution swift, “Paul McCartney is better than Johnny boy! You cretins wouldn’t know talent if it hit you over the head with a sack full of pennies.” So Beerus smoked them up real good. He blew up the asteroid with all the grubby guys, and their species went extinct. It was sad, but I don’t care about them at all. “You and me have business!” Adam sandlesauce complained, patting his belly. “I was a queen, you know?” “Don’t make me say it,” Beerus replied. “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams…” “No, not that!” “That’s right!” Beerus exploded forward through space, coming right up to Adam sandinhiscunny. “I’m a fighter, a governor, a NAVY SEAL.” “No way, cool!” Jaco was playing his 3DS in HFIL because he’s the only other person with some sanity and randomly hasn’t had anything to do for a while, but he threw it away when Beerus said that. “I always wanted to get Jesse Ventura’s autograph! Curses, and so on and so forth!” Beerus ripped off his Beerus mask. The God of Destruction turned into a fat-faced man with a bald head and a blond rat’s tail snaking down the back of his neck. He wore a pristine suit of boiled leather and his sunglasses were as sharp as Ash’s Squirtle’s. “That’s right, and uh, it’s time you met your maker.” “I’ll kill you!” Adam Sandler spun forward through space, but since he’s old and weak and stupid, he just sort of spun around like a moon in orbit with himself. “Ha, like that’ll kill me!” Jesse proclaimed. “You’d really attack a former governor? Really, ha, well, I’ll tell ya, if this ain’t a conspiracy, I don’t know what is!” Behind these goings on, Whis reappeared like Janemba would, materializing in digitized blocks out of nothing. “From Mu I come, and to Mu I return!” the attendant declared. “Now, it’s time for Lord Beerus’ dinner, oh heavens, I have no time!” The enchilada hadn’t satiated Beerus all that much. Now he wanted to eat Adam too, because let’s face it, that’s about all Adam Sandler is good for. Above Beerus, in the space dust of another asteroid, a non-space-monkey was riding on a space albatross. The monkey screamed and threw a space guava at Jesse the Beerus SEAL. When Jesse was momentarily distracted by the sweet fruit, Whis came up from behind him and banged him in the back of the head with the Oracle Fish’s empty scepter. Water spilled out and ran down the hairless cat’s face. It was a horrible site. Hairless cats are ugly af. “Now now, Lord Beerus, don’t get ahead of yourself,” Whis breathed, snapping his fingers. The Oracle Fish reappeared in its bowl, perplexed and shaking. Ahead, Adam Sandler threw off his sandals and began to wet himself in despair. “I want the Oracle Fish to eat Mr. Sandler,” Whis said. “Whu, but WHY? I’m a Navy SEAL! I’m obviously higher up in the underwater food chain,” Jesse responded. While the two were arguing, Adam Sandman convinced the monkey and the albatross to join him with that Q-Bert that randomly turns into things other people want. With the monkey, Adam Sandwitch grabbed Whis’ blood from Jesse’s stomach, and put it into himself, making him be able to make even more horrible movies for thousands of years. “NOOOOOOOO!” Oracle Fish screamed as he whistled for his fish friends in the Oracle Fish Shop from Universe 3 and fused together into Lord Jabu-Jabu and ate Adam Sapling. However, the monkey summoned the original Son Goku and used his staff to slap the Oracle Fish’s staff away, separating him away from his buddies and destroying Lord Jabu Jabu “Son Wukong is too powerful. We must call CAPTAIN PLANET!” Whis screamed. “Let our powers combine!” Jesse the Beerus responded. Captain Planet rammed into Son Wukong’s pet monkey (slavery much?) and grew a tail because of it. “Ohoh! You won’t defeat my monkey powers, Captain!” Son Wukong howled. “Maybe, now that I grew that tail, but what you don’t know is that I’M the Super Saiyan Five Hundred that the Oracle Fish prophesied!” Captain Planet grew long plaid hair covering the entire galaxy and a moustache just as long and lucious. “No! His hair is too amazing! AUJHVTGYFGHJNFRJK